By the way . . .
Sometimes I get carried away and grab the seed of dream and put it through an analytical regimen too soon. I create spreadsheets with outlines, variables and yes/no, what if and other arguments with myself. I can throw things at a timeline in a heartbeat. Yes, I can ruin something by doing this before the time is right. I did that at the end of this last year with my idea of 10:10 or 10 projects in 2010. It was mapped and articulated beautifully, but it was too soon.
See, another thing is my one-track nature. Since I was a kid I have had this approach of concentrating on ‘one big thing’ at a time. I don’t start dozens of things and move from one thing to another. When I commit to something, that is what I am doing. This reminds me. I celebrated my 7th anniversary this week of not smoking. I am proud of this and bring it up because I quit with this kind of intensity of focus. Quitting smoking was the most important thing on the planet for me in February 2003. That said, I also made starting the habit in 1964 a lifelong commitment it seems. I’m amazed at the more than 30 years of commitment to that vile habit. My self-disgust fueled the decision in 2003. My sister was quitting and I gave myself two weeks (why waste the cigarette cartons I had on hand) before going cold turkey.
I firmly believe it is important to develop the ability to dream and then to move back and forth from vision to reality and back again. Then, it is critical to stop designing and start doing too. Once the idea’s time has come, it is time to move on it and make it real. For me it is a reason for excitement and for getting up to greet the day. My last decade has shown me the flip side of my life spent primarily in my head. I am not as fit and strong as I want to be. In order to do all that I want to do in my life’s last chapter, I must be in better shape. Turning off the computer and getting outside was the theme all last year. I had to make myself NOT get into blogging mode. 2009, let the sun shine was only nominally successful. I am definitely stronger, fitter than I was a year ago. But, damn it, I wanted to be my 40 year old level of strength and fitness. Hell I wanted the great energy bounce I felt just 7 years ago after quitting smoking when I worked with a personal trainer for 6 months. I felt over the moon then and I want that level of energy, strength back.
It is going to be a longer than I’d planned on the spreadsheet or in the daydreams. Some life patterns are resistant as hell it seems. And let’s not forget for one instant how multinational forces spend billions to keep Americans in front of our television/computer screens, behind the wheel, in the shopping malls, at the supermarket or watching sports. I am not alone in my behavioral decisions of sloth. Along with the rest of the developed world, I have been systematically stripped of my identity as a responsible citizen in exchange for the designated role as ‘independent’ consumer that leaves the physical work to others.
Stepping out of my comfort zone takes some real will. As of today I am officially retired. My first social security check hit the bank. This long awaited day brings such peace of mind. Now, I just need to remain healthy. Back to the move away from the comfort zone, I look at my simple life and realize I don’t have anything that demands I push myself past my limits to gain physical health. I wish I enjoyed recreational pursuits. I never have – except maybe camping/canoeing as a girl. I don’t think I really enjoyed my bike in any memorable way. It is just what we all did as kids. I’ve been known to say I was born without a recreation gene. As a kid at the swimming pool I was most constantly absorbed in seeing if I could swim the width of the pool under water. Always the goal, the mission, the task at the forefront it seems.
Losing self consciousness and just being is a process I am aiming for now and have been for awhile. I want to move out into the world each day with my own two feet and do things with my body, my hands. Physical engagement as pleasure is an idea I have. Along the way I regress. I am sick this week and exhausted. I am eating easy food like sandwiches while indulging myself with chips and dip (yogurt and fresh onions anyway). I need lots of nutrients instead – but I balk because my kitchen is in my living room and meals are a pain in the ass.
The fun is the musing, the dreaming, the planning and the writing. Welcome back my friends. Let’s hang out for awhile.