99 more for 2009

Only 99 more days in this year. My very first post in January 2009 was about my being on hiatus from this blog. I thought then it was for the month, but it turned out to be most of this year.

In February I was being prescient, I predicted just that.
Nothing I'd planned at the onset of 2009 has turned out as intended. I am even thinking the hiatus might last all of this year. What I am attempting is for me a transformative step up and out of my world of thought to a world of action. There I said it. So, I am reluctant to drift back into mind-mode just yet. We shall see.
I called this theme, 2009: Let the Sun Shine. It was about getting active first and foremost. And, it was about holding the new political power to their promises of transparency. Well, I was whistling in the dark about that one. I wanted it badly. Almost from day one, the status quo was refortified. Same game as the criminals the past 8 years. This is the biggest disappointment for me. I find deep shame in being from a military empire that is deeply corrupt and a capitalistic system based on slavery and usury.

Shining a bright light upon myself and my own intentions, efforts and perspective was uncomfortable. I wrote:
See, the creepy part is that as I uncover something toxic within myself I see it all around. The light is shining inside and revealing so much and then it is harshly lit all around. That is the nature of self-discovery I have found. So, I get sidetracked being really cranky about others because of my hyper-awareness. . . Akin to standing stark naked in the bright sunlight, getting comfortable in my own skin is the biggest adjustment. And, I have lived most of my life inside my mental perceptions and that is not the most sustainable way to live. My body is getting older, fatter and weaker because I haven't used it fully. Now I am challenging this and find I can't bring along others on this ride. For now it this is mine, all mine.

That was in March.

I also directed a light deep into a painful place in my being - the 20 year anniversary of my beloved Angela's suicide. I took several weeks to write about her whole short life. It was healing. And, that same time period was the beginning of a deeper relationship with my grown son. I placed big demands on him to walk with me daily. We walked and talked and gradually grew towards a different relationship. And finally, I found myself (with his help) on a path towards fitness and strength.

It has been a year in the sun - with my son. A sabbatical from my blog, my gardens, my more analytical side. By July I'd decided to take another sabbatical - from my community newspaper. Although I had written the rough draft for several more issues, I knew that this community isn't interested. And, I am frankly not wanting to keep pouring energy and enthusiasm towards this kind of unresponsiveness. Similarly, I am now only writing post cards to my mother. My son visited Omaha and reported that he thought my letters overwhelm her.

Ha! My neighbors, friends and my mother are all telling me to shut the fuck up. LOL. So, I guess my decisions to do just that are working as they should. I do have some exciting bits from the last month to report, but it is too late and this is too long already. I merely like the sound of 99 in 2009 and couldn't resist writing.

Update: Another slavery story and this one is very close to home here in California.


Beany said...

Well, I'd like to say that I love to read your writing, your thoughts and your analyses.

So...keep writing. When you want to.

I enjoyed this piece by Dmitri Orlov. Hope you do as well.

Anonymous said...

Kate, i'm reading and i look forward to reading more, so bring it on! i know what you mean tho about those subtle (and not so) messages to "shut up already" or "give it up because we just don't care". it's depressing and deeply censoring. but, like your pieces on your daughter were therapeutic, i think the writing itself is helpful, even if no one seems to be listening, or if it feels like you're writing "to the choir".

i too am struggling for greater balance. less thinking, more action, getting out there. walking with your son has been such a good project from so many angles.

(btw, i tried to post a comment on your other blog about your new bike! i wanted to say wonderful story, wonderful news, but i'm having trouble with the format of making comments there.)

i tend to get a little heady so this year i've been striving for greater balance too. bike riding is part of that. also, i joined the sierra club. i've attended a couple meetings and one free outing- a bird count/walk through a 97 acre natural scrub area. the heady part of me has resisted that kind of involvement as i know it means driving and i have a REALLY difficult time justifying that. so far it's been a very hopeful experience just to be out in nature with others (really grounded, genuine others) who are on the same page environmentally and often politically, too. those once a month outings balance in a positive way so much of the "dismal details of the daily downer".

keep writing, walking and riding! i appreciate the company!

katecontinued said...

I intend to return to my blog. I just needed to try this deliberate non-writing. Next year will be 10:10 or 10 goals for 2010. I am still thinking this through. Thanks for kind words.

Do forgive me for the long lulls. It is a drag to check a blog and see the same post day after day. I know.

@beany - I am going to read your link right now. Hey, I learned to patch my bike tire. Yea! M. bought the little patch kit and showed me yesterday. I did a lot a bike blog wandering from your blogroll yesterday. So many men. I see what you mean about women on bikes - a real need for your voice, your presence.

@becky - The Sierra club is a great idea. I am forcing myself to do several community, environmental actions because I believe it is a must to push for change and to keep that critical balance. Your words a real encouragement for me. I'll go check the settings on make-a-(sun)plan.

Rosa said...

There are women on bikes all over my town, it's awesome. Ten years ago the boys in the bike shop tried to convince me I really didn't want a wussy "comfort" bike...now they're the second biggest seller at our local coop shop. We're out there!

And I'm another one who doesn't want you to shut up, at all!

Beany said...

Yay Kate! Congrats on learning such a valuable skill. I learned how to patch only a few years ago. I don't know if you know about the baby powder trick - removes friction and helped prevent any stickiness between innertube and tire.

And yes, the bike blog world is quite the boys' club. I'm frankly a little surprised that people like my blog, as I consider it mainly an outlet for my silliness. It amuses me and am glad it tries to bring a smile to others as well.

katecontinued said...

Rosa - what do you mean by comfort bike? Is it one without gears? I see women biking, but the blogs about bikes and the mainstream images are male. Maybe it is that vile lycra nonsense. When a woman is used in an ad - it is an objectified female form - T&A on 2 wheels. And BTW . . . thanks

Beany - Apparently there are thorns all along this train trail. I learned last night that I could purchase a specific kind of intertube and have this chemical gunk sprayed inside. After riding I would need to spin the wheel and the chemical works magic to heal any punctures. Exotic chemistry. I'll see if I keep having flats.

Rosa said...

Comfort bike is the current phrase for a bike that has a limited number of gears, high handlebars (so it doesn't hurt your back), sometimes a shock absorber in the fork or seatpost.

I have a Giant Suede, but all the ones on this page are pretty similar (I had a Cypress but it was stolen)


Almost every kind of blog is male-dominated, bizarrely. Except the fatosphere.

Pamela said...

I always adore what you write, and I especially, enjoyed the "Monthly Newsletter" you wrote for the park all this time. I figured you stopped, because your mother was overwhelmed by the letters, and that it just put your fire out. I hope that one day, you will have a desire to start them up again.

You are tremedously talented!

Best Always,

katecontinued said...

Thank you, Pam. There is a very good chance I will be writing those again. You'll be the first to know, believe me.

Melinda said...

Kate, I don't come every day but I do come read your beautiful words - and love your amazing comments at my blog. Don't forget that it is usually the negative few who scream loudest - there are many others who read what you do. They take it to heart, but remain silent because they are content and inspired.

katecontinued said...

remain silent because they are content and inspired

Melinda, that is a very thoughtful way to appreciate silence. Thank you for that and your generosity.