In February I was being prescient, I predicted just that.
Nothing I'd planned at the onset of 2009 has turned out as intended. I am even thinking the hiatus might last all of this year. What I am attempting is for me a transformative step up and out of my world of thought to a world of action. There I said it. So, I am reluctant to drift back into mind-mode just yet. We shall see.I called this theme, 2009: Let the Sun Shine. It was about getting active first and foremost. And, it was about holding the new political power to their promises of transparency. Well, I was whistling in the dark about that one. I wanted it badly. Almost from day one, the status quo was refortified. Same game as the criminals the past 8 years. This is the biggest disappointment for me. I find deep shame in being from a military empire that is deeply corrupt and a capitalistic system based on slavery and usury.
Shining a bright light upon myself and my own intentions, efforts and perspective was uncomfortable. I wrote:
See, the creepy part is that as I uncover something toxic within myself I see it all around. The light is shining inside and revealing so much and then it is harshly lit all around. That is the nature of self-discovery I have found. So, I get sidetracked being really cranky about others because of my hyper-awareness. . . Akin to standing stark naked in the bright sunlight, getting comfortable in my own skin is the biggest adjustment. And, I have lived most of my life inside my mental perceptions and that is not the most sustainable way to live. My body is getting older, fatter and weaker because I haven't used it fully. Now I am challenging this and find I can't bring along others on this ride. For now it this is mine, all mine.
That was in March.
I also directed a light deep into a painful place in my being - the 20 year anniversary of my beloved Angela's suicide. I took several weeks to write about her whole short life. It was healing. And, that same time period was the beginning of a deeper relationship with my grown son. I placed big demands on him to walk with me daily. We walked and talked and gradually grew towards a different relationship. And finally, I found myself (with his help) on a path towards fitness and strength.
It has been a year in the sun - with my son. A sabbatical from my blog, my gardens, my more analytical side. By July I'd decided to take another sabbatical - from my community newspaper. Although I had written the rough draft for several more issues, I knew that this community isn't interested. And, I am frankly not wanting to keep pouring energy and enthusiasm towards this kind of unresponsiveness. Similarly, I am now only writing post cards to my mother. My son visited Omaha and reported that he thought my letters overwhelm her.
Ha! My neighbors, friends and my mother are all telling me to shut the fuck up. LOL. So, I guess my decisions to do just that are working as they should. I do have some exciting bits from the last month to report, but it is too late and this is too long already. I merely like the sound of 99 in 2009 and couldn't resist writing.