meltdown from a combination of construction, school gardens, school politics etc. I stopped everything for 2 weeks - even the pretense of trying to cook at my living room/kitchen set up. Not only did I not prepare for my friend's arrival, I stayed with her at her motel and abandoned my home.
Following that hiatus I found the task of pulling it all together insurmountable. The construction men had been so critical of my work on the home - the all too familiar diminishing comments, expressions and huddled laughter . . . followed by attitude that says, "no, really, we're just kidding. . . .“ I am already facing the loss of strength, agility and energy from age and sedentary lifestyle. At the school I struggle with the imperative of volunteer labor, so impossibly hard to rely on or even to recruit. This loss of confidence that I can charge into a project and pull it together is dying. Too harsh. Let me say it is changing. I much prefer the drama of a complete project push. It is exhilarating and an adrenaline buzz. Now I find I dread even mounting the energy to begin as I know my energy will stall before I am sufficiently finished. Then I get into a nasty loop of self disgust bringing disincentive to charge back into the work.
Yet again I dance around the middle way. I’d be really disappointed if I were trying to be a Buddhist. Seriously, I have rebelled against all things mid, middle or moderate in favor of all or nothing. These days I keep veering towards nothing. When it comes to purging, non-consuming, light footprint and other minimalist goals I excel. When it comes to putting all my attention or focus on something, I do just fine. But, shit howdy, the physical aspects loom large in my daily life. Though I deeply grateful I don’t suffer with pain like millions, I feel miserable about my lack of physical ‘preparedness’ or follow through. Eventually, I get things done. Like now.
I cleared the cobwebs and painted the last two evenings. I have gotten three loads of clothes, bedding and curtains washed before 8 am and have a week-end do list to pull my home together at last. Today is an anniversary as I got approved for this home renovation grant exactly ONE YEAR ago today. Now that is some slow moving change, my friends. Since it took so long, I am trying to mount a weekend cleanathon to have my drama finish. See, there is a special guest coming to visit on Monday. More on that later, so wish me good energy.
Update: While looking for something else I read a post I wrote at this time in April 2008 and I'll be damned if it couldn't have been written today. It was called Priorities and Patterns. I guess this may be a seasonal affect - spring overload or something. I hit upon the workaholic nature. Hmmm . . .