How long did you say?

I hate to admit to procrastination, but I had to clear away cobwebs to paint around my new windows. It was five weeks ago I proclaimed that I was 'almost there' and then I had a meltdown from a combination of construction, school gardens, school politics etc. I stopped everything for 2 weeks - even the pretense of trying to cook at my living room/kitchen set up. Not only did I not prepare for my friend's arrival, I stayed with her at her motel and abandoned my home.

Following that hiatus I found the task of pulling it all together insurmountable. The construction men had been so critical of my work on the home - the all too familiar diminishing comments, expressions and huddled laughter . . . followed by attitude that says, "no, really, we're just kidding. . . .“ I am already facing the loss of strength, agility and energy from age and sedentary lifestyle. At the school I struggle with the imperative of volunteer labor, so impossibly hard to rely on or even to recruit. This loss of confidence that I can charge into a project and pull it together is dying. Too harsh. Let me say it is changing. I much prefer the drama of a complete project push. It is exhilarating and an adrenaline buzz. Now I find I dread even mounting the energy to begin as I know my energy will stall before I am sufficiently finished. Then I get into a nasty loop of self disgust bringing disincentive to charge back into the work.

Yet again I dance around the middle way. I’d be really disappointed if I were trying to be a Buddhist. Seriously, I have rebelled against all things mid, middle or moderate in favor of all or nothing. These days I keep veering towards nothing. When it comes to purging, non-consuming, light footprint and other minimalist goals I excel. When it comes to putting all my attention or focus on something, I do just fine. But, shit howdy, the physical aspects loom large in my daily life. Though I deeply grateful I don’t suffer with pain like millions, I feel miserable about my lack of physical ‘preparedness’ or follow through. Eventually, I get things done. Like now.

I cleared the cobwebs and painted the last two evenings. I have gotten three loads of clothes, bedding and curtains washed before 8 am and have a week-end do list to pull my home together at last. Today is an anniversary as I got approved for this home renovation grant exactly ONE YEAR ago today. Now that is some slow moving change, my friends. Since it took so long, I am trying to mount a weekend cleanathon to have my drama finish. See, there is a special guest coming to visit on Monday. More on that later, so wish me good energy.

Update: While looking for something else I read a post I wrote at this time in April 2008 and I'll be damned if it couldn't have been written today.  It was called Priorities and Patterns.  I guess this may be a seasonal affect - spring overload or something. I hit upon the workaholic nature. Hmmm . . .

8 comments:

Beany said...

That seriously looks outstanding! I can completely relate on many levels on how you feel and so can empathize.

I wish it were a little easier for you though. At least at your age, you should get some respect at the very least.

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I have decided to draw inspiration from you in decorating our new home using the rainbow palate to some degree. Red bedroom (inspiring passion), orange living room which is right by the bedroom along with browns, and a dark brown office by the living room. My kitchen/dining will be blue on account of the color of the counter tops and will be planting flower pots to add more color :)

katecontinued said...

Beany, that sounds sumptuous. And, thank you for the respectful insight. I read about your move with a smile on my face. Even though it is a major pain (and expense), it is important to feel good about the place that is essentially your sanctuary. I will try my damnedest to get out of my comfort zone enough to pay you a visit. Maybe I can help paint. I am constantly amazed at how radically paint can change a place.

Beany said...

I'd love it it you came! I know nothing about how to apply paint so your suggestions would be oh so helpful! You'd get to meet all our friends (from all age groups) and see what's happening in my 'hood.

katecontinued said...

Let's make a plan. (he he)

Rosa said...

I think, now that you know this is a pattern, you should come visit us for May Day next year. You really ought to see our parade.

Plus then you can see how the OMG time to plant! And landscape! And clean! And finish projects! effect of spring hits other people (hint: I needed a 2 hour nap yesterday. Stress!)

katecontinued said...

I think I do indeed need to head for Minnesota some May Day. Only thing is I won't fly. Maybe before I die, this country will get train travel happening again. Ya think?

rzdavid said...

I love the photo of your garden windows. So crisp and brigt! Dux femini facti!

katecontinued said...

Indeed. This deed was done by a woman.