D22: Dreary Monday
I am a bit blue. Although rain is needed, I want it to rain, but days of drizzle, downpours just depress me. In fact, after receiving some disheartening insight on Sunday about my life, my assumptions I tried to step back and take a look at what triggers my depression - besides dreary weather.
Here is a fascinating pattern I came upon in my own writing. I did a search of the word 'depression' and looked at a year of letter and journal writing. Lo and behold the keyword popped up almost every single month, and more surprising (or not) the keyword, depression, was used at the end of the month. I am a great believer in cycles. It is the pagan, the naturalist in me. This cyclic finding gives me some respite to know that depression is more like a dip - opposite a blip - on my internal delight and satisfaction scale. Did I mention that sometimes my use of the word was brief and unremarkable and other times penetratingly retrospective?
There is a reason I am glib. It is a bit like whistling in the dark. Serious depression has plagued my loved ones as it has in most people's families. But, I have spent a lifetime anxious about depression without actually having been diagnosed. For myself I have grown sick of the melodrama and dread. My relatives are near worshipful of this lifestyle of depression, therapy and lots of pharmaceuticals. (When did people start rattling abbreviations for medications with the assurance that everyone understands?) I am grateful I am functioning without drugs. The cost alone would create an endless cycle of depression.
Speaking of cost, after weeks of rain off and on I realize that the roof repair I paid for 18 months ago failed. I have the occasional droplets of water dripping from my drywall ceiling, despite temporary plastic sheets to cover the area. I will have to deal with that depression in the metal roof of my trailer where the water pools and finds entry into my snug little home. I am hoping to find a solution that both creates a waterproof cover over my trailer roof and a surface to grow a green roof. Spring and summer projects of sustainability that seem far, far away.
And that depression, the economic crash of my lifetime is around the corner. Why wouldn't any sentient human being be depressed? In a word, others . . . Later this morning I pulled aside my curtains and looked upon Matisse before my eyes. My wonderful, creative neighbor designed a laser cut metal piece of Nu bleu (IV) to mount on her fence and I feel like it is my own private art gallery. Pure, delicious delight without cost or medication, may blip me out of my dip.
footnote: SOTU tonight is depressing to even contemplate. I uttery refuse to watch.